Let’s Play Catch-Up!

Hey y’all!

Most of you probably noticed the change in the website. We are currently running on our backup servers due to issues with or primary servers. As soon as we get everything fixed the site will go back to normal. Hopefully it won’t take too long…you

But anyway…..If you follow our other social media channels then you know that we recently bought a new house. And of course I miss favorite thing it came with 8 acres of land, which we plan to use as individual one acre or two acre lots or family to live on.

Things have been super crazy and busy lately, but we are all doing just fine Thank you to everyone who messaged us concerned, we love you all!

We will be back to a normal posting schedule by next week (follow our other social media to stay up to date with new posts)! However, if the normal website is not fixed by that time, we will return to posting using this backup server! We can’t wait to share all the new life updates with everyone!

XOXO

It’s Not Something I’ve Really Talked About Before…

Hey y’all!

I’m not really sure what put me in the mood to write a blog post this personal, but with my 5 year mark coming up I’ve been thinking about it a lot more lately. Some of you might know this about me, most of you probably don’t. Either way, it’s something super personal and I feel like you guys should know it, since y’all know everything else about my life.

Maybe by me sharing my story it can help you or someone else you know going through the same battle.

So…without further ado….Here’s my sobriety story!

My journey, I guess we’ll call it, started when I was 20, a couple months before I turned 21. It’s you’re typical story- I met a guy [we’ll call him Rob] and we started dating and by hanging around him and his friends all the time I got sucked into their activities, which led me to things I honestly don’t think I would have done if I had never met Rob/his friends/his family.

When I first met and started dating Rob, I would just sit back or go into a different room when he and his friends/family would do their “activities”. But eventually, I’d say after about 2-3 months, I started getting curious and was staying in the same room and watching them. They’d smoke the normal weed, but I also noticed they were doing cocaine, crack, and pills. I had known people who smoked weed before, so that was nothing new or bad to me. But being introduced to crack, cocaine (powder form), and pills was new to me. I had only ever known pills as a type of medication, I had no idea that you could use it for anything else, or take it any other way than orally for that matter.

Well, much like most people, eventually the curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to try everything these people were doing. You can probably guess, I was hooked, or addicted, to the feelings those things gave me from day one. That’s all it took. One hit from the crack pipe. One line of cocaine or pill up my nose. After that, my only focus in life was getting my next high feeling. That numb feeling where even my worst days didn’t feel that bad.

I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t like what I was doing at that time, back then it was all I did and I loved it. I lost all my drive and any future plans I had previously made for my life. Nothing mattered by getting my next high. Eventually, I’d fall deeper in that rabbit hole.

I ended up failing my sophomore year of community college. Eventually, I dropped out of college all together after failing most of my classes and losing my federal financial aid. I never have tried any attempts to fix that or go back and finish my degree, even after being sober.

If you know anyone who is currently using, or has used before, then you know a drug habit is NOT cheap, AT ALL. We started out spending roughly $50-$100 a week on our habit, but that quickly escalated to $50-$75 a day, and by the end of our second year together, we were spending an average of $250-$300 a day just to keep us on that cloud 9 feeling.

I’ve lied to family about being on drugs in general, in those moments I even lied to them when I would ask for money. I would tell them some made up lie about what I needed it for, but in all reality the only things I was buying was drugs. There were times I would go days without eating because I thought it was better to spend my last dollar on a drug than on food.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am in no way, shape, or form placing all of the blame for my addiction on Rob.  While it was him that introduced me to the drugs and showed me how to use/abuse them, it was NOT his decision for me to start doing them. He initially wanted to keep me away from them, but eventually I was persistent enough to him and his brother and I was given some to try on my own. It was ultimately my own decision that got me into using, NOT Rob, NOT his friends, NOT his family. NOBODY is responsible for me having that addiction but MYSELF.

I’m not really sure 100% on the timing, but roughly 3-4 years into our relationship, we were introduced to “whip-its”. If you’re not familiar, that is basically inhaling nitrous oxide gas. Nitrous oxide gas makes cream into whipped cream, makes Vin Diesel’s car go faster, and makes dental work slightly less awful. And if you take a lungful of it for fun, you’ll be like “whoooooo…” for about the time it takes to breathe in and out. While the feeling was euphoric, to say the least, while it lasted- it doesn’t last very long. By the time you exhale once, maybe twice, it’s gone. But you get hooked because, much like any other drug, you’re constantly chasing that first high feeling [also known as chasing the dragon], but you’ll never get that first high feeling again. You know you’ll never get it again, but you keep trying in hopes you’re wrong.

Trust me, you’re not wrong!

Anyway, by the end of our 6 year relationship I was addicted to crack [rock form smoking], cocaine [powder form inhaling], whip-its [inhaling], and pills [crushing and inhaling]. I was lying to both friends and family about what I was spending all of my money on [I was working supporting some of my habit], and when I would ask them to borrow money [with no intention of paying it back ever] I would lie about what I needed it for.

I had talked with Rob more times than I can count, or care to admit, about us both quitting the drugs and getting sober. He would say he was interested, but after about 2 days of not doing the drugs, because our body would start going into withdrawals and we’d start fighting constantly [about complete dumb and irrelevant shit], we’d end up using again just to function.

Which, being completely honest and looking back now, if I couldn’t be around him without the drugs and not fight- it should have been a red flag and a sign for me to leave then, but I was just as addicted as him and couldn’t quit either. I was dumb.

One night, I don’t exactly remember what I was doing, but I do know I was living at my mom’s apartment and got a call from Rob [who was at his mom’s at the time] saying that he needed a ride somewhere because his mom was kicking him out after a fight and she was calling the police on him. So, I convinced my mom to go pick him up and he ended up living with my mom and I in her apartment. It wasn’t horrible at first. And [as far as I knew] I was doing pretty decent at hiding the drug addiction from my mom. Until one day, like it always does, it revealed itself.

My mom came upstairs into our bedroom, not mad or anything, she had just wanted to talk about something. Well, I was actually in the middle of both snorting pills and doing whip-its with Rob and she interrupted that. I didn’t even listen to anything she had to say. I just started yelling and screaming for her to get out of my room. And I tried shutting my door and locking it to keep her out. After yelling and screaming didn’t get her out, I eventually pushed my mom backwards and she hit the stair railing and fell.

I’m not even going to try hiding that or pretending that it was ok no matter what I was feeling or doing. In that moment, I didn’t see where I had done anything wrong, I just simply wanted my privacy. It took me a while to actually grasp the concept that I was wrong. It took months for me to actually realize that my mom hadn’t done anything wrong, she had simply come into my room to talk [which she had done probably a billion times before].

I actually think that was the turning point for me. Once I finally grasped what I had really done, I realized not only had my life completely gone off the originally track I had planned, I was going into a completely different and horrible direction. I knew right then I needed [and wanted] to get sober and away from all those drugs and TAKE MY LIFE BACK!

The only issue [I saw] with that plan, was in order for me to get sober I would have to completely get away from Rob, his friends, and his family. But I was hooked. I was hooked on the drugs. I was hooked on Rob. I was honestly convinced that I was in love with him and he was in love with me.

Heads up: I WAS WRONG!

I tried counseling. I tried out patient rehab [which honestly, looking back now, was a complete joke!]. I tried using methadone [worst thing ever at that time]. After the first try of all of those, and seeing none work, I figured that was it and I was just supposed to keep doing the drugs to keep surviving.

Again, I was wrong!

Eventually, I’m not sure what it really was, something snapped in my brain. I woke up one day after a long night binge of doing all those drugs, and trying heroin for the first time, and told myself That’s it! I quit!” And I started actually looking into ways to get sober at home. I talked online with tons of other people who had been through sobriety themselves.

I finally had it in me. I woke up, packed all of my stuff. And left Rob. I tried keeping in touch with him the first few months, and we would hang out once in a while. But I slowly realized that all that was doing was keeping me using. So finally I had to block him from calling/texting, removed him from all social media, and just completely cut him off.

And honestly, I don’t think I would have been able to do any of that if I hadn’t met Andy. When Andy and I first got together, I was still talking to Rob [as a friend, not trying to get back in a relationship] and I was still paying his cell-phone bill. Andy made it clear one day, that I was either in a relationship with him or I wanted to be friends with Rob, but he wasn’t going to allow both. [Not in a controlling kind of way, he just knew I was still early in my sobriety- 1 year clean- and he knew Rob would drag me back down.- Which so did I subconsciously, but I didn’t want to believe it]. I made the [very smart] choice that I wanted to be with Andy, so I cut Rob out completely.

I know this shouldn’t surprise me, but it still does sometimes…MY LIFE ACTUALLY STARTED COMING TOGETHER MORE. Andy and I managed to get our first place together, we got married, had AJ, took vacations…it was absolutely amazing.

Getting sober, while one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through, has definitely been my greatest accomplishment [other than my kids of course]. Since being sober, Andy and I have managed to get vehicles, have steady income, take vacations, had 2 kids, still have our own place, and are now looking into buying our first home together.

Before ever starting the drugs, this is all I wanted: a family, my own house, taking vacations. During my addiction, I had given up on it. I thought being an addict was all I was ever going to do with my life. And now, being sober for almost 5 years, my life has honestly NEVER been better.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I’ll get over stressed, or something bad will happen and I’ll think about a drug, but I haven’t touched them because I know how much can be lost during an addiction, and NOTHING is worth losing this life I have now over.

While it may not always seem or be an easy choice, SOBRIETY IS ALWAYS AN OPTION! It’s always there for addicts and worth it. BUT, the one thing I can’t stress enough is that IF THE ADDICT DOES NOT WANT TO GET SOBER FOR THEMSELVES, THEY WON’T GET SOBER. You can’t force someone to get clean, no matter their addiction. They have to hit whatever point they consider rock bottom themselves, before they really want it and will get clean.

If anyone does come to you, or you yourself, needing help with getting sober here are some great resources:

  1. SAMHSA National Helpline Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information. 1-800-662-4357
  2. Free Drug Rehab Centers
  3. Recovery Centers of America
  4. Immediate Addiction Helpline (24-hour) 855-920-4069 844-977-3454

YOU CAN DO IT! #WEDORECOVER

Social Anxiety

Hey y’all!

Someone asked me earlier today “How do you have a blog and maintain it when you have social anxiety?”

While I don’t normally mind answering questions, even if there one’s I’ve answered a million times before, this one always seems to get to me. Not because it’s rude or there’s anything wrong with it…but being asked about my social anxiety always seems to trigger it, even if it’s from behind a computer screen.

The answer is actually more simple than most people think. I actually created the blog because I have social anxiety. A lot of times, people with social anxiety don’t feel comfortable with face-to-face interactions, but being online [whether it be through a blog, in a chatroom, or in a virtual world] doesn’t trigger any anxiety because you are only talking to a machine, more or less.

*Side note: I’m not speaking here on how social anxiety is for everyone, this is just how it is for me. I using a blog post to answer this question since it seems to be one that I get asked a lot all over our social media*

Talking to someone online, or even through a text message is a little easier because even though they might be judging me, I don’t actually know it unless they say so. And since I very rarely have someone actually say something super judgmental, I don’t think about it.

For example, the COVID-19 pandemic having social distance requirements didn’t really bother or upset me, because having to stay away from people is something that I prefer. So having to tell people that “We’re in the middle of a pandemic, please keep your 6 feet distance” was actually satisfying to me.

If it’s easier, I tell a lot of people to think of the computer or phone screen like a filter in a fish tank or a buffer. If someone says something I don’t like, then it’s super easy to just block them and I never have to see or talk to them again. It’s a little harder to actually never see some people again when you’re talking to them in real life.

Hopefully that clears it up a little for anyone else who was wondering how I manage this blog and other social media while still having social anxiety.

If there’s ever anything else that y’all want to know, don’t hesitate to ask. I love answering questions from you guys!

XOXO

POST-SURGERY

Hey y’all!

So it’s day 1 after surgery. While I wasn’t feeling up enough to make a post yesterday [which I figured would be the case fresh after the surgery and being sedated], I do feel good enough to make one now.

So, surgery went well from what I’ve been told and can see so far. There is still a ton of swelling going on so I’m taking Ibuprofen to help with that. But there really isn’t a ton of pain, which I was expecting and had prepared myself for mentally. So I’m assuming that’s good.

Apparently [this is from what Andy told me], after they gave me the anestesia, I ended up having a panic attack- which led to them giving me some other kind of medicine to try calming me down so they could finish working. Well, that completely back-fired for them. They did end up finishing, but the only thing that they could do to really get me to calm down was hurry up and finish and then bring Andy in the back with me. Haha, and according to him, I’m even more useless for directions when I’m drugged that I am when I’m sober lol.

Took us about an hour to get from the hospital to the car [it literally only took us about 10 minutes to get from the car to the hospital when we first got there]. But, I was helpful at remembering where we parked because I made up this stupid song before I went in for surgery and that was just about the only thing I did remember lol.

And on our way out of the hospital he ended up spending around $100 at the gift shop because drugged up me thought that if we buy enough OSU [Ohio State University] merch for my mom then she will be convinced to move up here and be closer with us. Now sober me knows that’s not going to work and he knew that it wouldn’t work, but he said that he did it anyway because he knows how much I love and miss my mom and it made him sad seeing me thinking about bribing her lol.

So yeah apparently to him I’m hilarious when I’m under anesthesia. I honestly can’t wait to see him when they have him under it on Monday lol.

It really must be good though because all I remember [not what he told me, but what I actually remember on my own] is being in the hospital room and them starting the IV for my anesthesia and then waking up that night in my own bed at home. So I remember from about 9:00am, then it’s literally a huge blank, then I remember around 7:00p.m.

So yep, but I’m healing pretty quickly I think which is great. I’ll be use to update you guys after he’s home on Monday from him surgery and then also how I’m feeling after I’m done healing 🙂

XOXO

Wednesday Is The Big Day

Hey guys! Happy Monday!

So, Wednesday…the big day. Surgery day. I’m definitely excited, but to say that I’m also nervous is an extreme understatement!

On the one hand I’m excited to finally be getting the work done that I’ve desperately wanted and needed for years…but I’m nervous because it’s a surgery and there’s always that chance of something going wrong [my anxiety only lets me think about the worst possible scenarios].

I know the chance of something life-threatening going wrong is pretty slim [at least, according to what the surgeon says since it’s a pretty routine deal], but the fact that it’s still a chance is all my brain has been focusing on.

And since Andy had the balls to tell me he’s scared for his surgery next week [he’s having the same basic work done] before I could get mine out, I’m now having anxiety over whether or not I should tell him that I’m scared [or actually terrified] too, or should I keep it to myself so that he doesn’t worry more….ughh!

I’m not really sure why I’m sharing this. But I guess while I am, if anyone has any tips or tricks that help ease anxiety I’d love it for you to share them in the comments below!

Thanks in advanced!

Maybe I’m Just Too Old…

Hey y’all!

So most of you already know about [and follow] my account on TikTok, if you don’t then you can feel free to check it out HERE.

But like, is it just my age compared to other people who use the app?? Where do they all find these “TikTok Trend” dances and shit?

Don’t get excited, I have ZERO rhythm for dancing and definitely won’t be trying any of them any time soon…but I’m still super curious where they find them at??

Does anyone else that uses the app wonder the same thing or is that just my age showing lol??

Let me know in the comments section below 🙂

XOXO

Be Still My Heart

Hey y’all!

So it’s really hitting me lately that in jus two short months neither of my boys will be “babies” anymore. I mean I’ll always consider them my babies, but they are turning into big boys a lot faster than I thought.

David turns 1 next month (June) and then the month after A.J turns 3 (July)! Where the hell did the time seriously go! Like some days it still feels like they were both just born yesterday. For now they still love giving me cuddles, David a little more since A.J seems to think he’s a grown man lately, and honestly I don’t want that to go away.

Sorry for this mushy, not very interesting post you guys. I’ve just been a little extra emotional over this the closer it gets to their birthdays and their party.

I just basically needed to get this out I guess. I don’t know, it’s probably an irrational and super crazy thought, but I’m scared of them growing up and not needing me for everything and then I’m stuck at home and have no clue what to do with my life because I’m quite happy being a stay-at-home mom and just raising kids. So once they grow up and have school, their own friends, and basically just a whole life…what am I going to be doing with my time…

So….. if anyone knows any tricks on how to keep my kids little and not let them grow up (but are still healthy, lol) let me know in the comments section below..

Or I guess y’all could just leave little tips on how to be ok with them growing up and becoming men…

2luWr6TS

It’s My Time Now!

Hey y’all!

So we’ve been a little MIA lately, partially due to trying to find a new house, but also because I had been working on something pretty amazing [I’ve been super excited and wanted to share this with you all for weeks]….

I had started training and a cleansing process about two months ago and it was by far the most amazing and soul changing thing I’ve ever been through. Well, about two weeks ago I completed my training and all of my studies, and I am now educated/equipped to read Starseed Oarcles!

If you’re not sure what that means, it’s similar to a spiritual card reading, except Starseeds tend to speak more to your soul and not so much with a focus on your mind or heart. They bring to light what the Universe itself is trying to tell you. They tend to help people understand their reasoning for being on this Earth and what their life purpose truly is.

Due to COVID-19, I’m currently only doing readings over Patreon Video Messaging. However, I do have my station/office all set up and ready to take appointments.

If you’re interested in a Starseed Oracle reading, you can get a virtual one [by me] HERE!

Currently, the following options are available:
1 Card Reading- FREE
2 Card Reading- $3
3 Card Reading- $5
5 Card Reading- $7
6 Card Reading- $10

I’m available Monday & Tuesday 10:00am-2:00pm, Wednesday 11:00am-2:00pm, and Fridays 10:00am-4:00pm.

It’s definitely a soul and eye opening experience. I fell in love the first time I had my Starseed reading done about 4 months ago. I would love to help all of you understand your purpose in the Universe as well!

It’s That Time…I’ve Been Dreading It!

Alright guys! It’s that time. I’ve been dreading it for a while but it’s unavoidable now. We have to start the process of getting AJ out of our bed and sleeping in his own bed in his room.
If y’all have read any of our other posts or seen me on social media you know how much I’m hating this right now. But he’s gotten too big and now it’s causing Andy to loose sleep when he’s in our bed.
So now it’s time for me to start researching, as much as I can, different ways to get AJ wanting to sleep in his own room.
I know some of you other moms are just getting into this stage too, or maybe you’ve already been through it with success.
If you’re just starting out like we are, I’ve shared below some of the articles I’ve found so far that might be of a little help.
If you’ve successfully mastered this stage, please feel free to share what worked for you in the comments section below.
I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on how this process goes, you’ll find these articles HERE.

Articles I Found Possibly Helpful

  1. Getting A Toddler To Sleep Alone In Their Own Room
  2. How To Stop Co-Sleeping: An Age-By-Age Guide
  3. How To Get Your Toddler To Sleep In Their Own Bed
  4. How To Get Your Child To Stop Sleeping In Your Bed

Stuck In A Rut

Do you guys ever feel like you’re in the middle of some weird identity crisis?? But at the same time you know you’re not old enough to have hit your mid-life crisis yet?? I feel like I’ve been stuck in this sort of “rut” for the past couple of months.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom, but I also feel like I was meant to do more with my life than just raise babies and clean the house. I know what I want to do, but honestly I don’t see where I’d have the time right now to go back to school. And also, I feel guilty with working outside the house because I feel like I miss so much time with AJ and David.

But what am I supposed to do? Put it off until the kids get older?? What if I do that and then it just never happens? Is that going to leave me feeling incomplete forever?

Have any of you guys ever had feelings like this? How did you deal or cope with them?

If you have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments below. I’d love to hear them.

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